GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDES! That's right, forget about terrorists, disease, meteorites, or even global warming. The real problem, that the government doesn't want you to know about, is GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDES! The beast in the top photograph could be the twin brother of the one I destroyed single handedly some 15 years ago. Since the story of this "Battle Royale" is the stuff of legend, you've no doubt heard some version of it. Loathe as I am to speak of my own mankind saving heroics, I will tell the short version one more time. You are welcome.
In the summer of 1992, while repairing a windmill on a ranch in southwest Texas, I sensed danger and turned to find a fiend from hell towering over me. Since the brute was upon me, there was no time to draw and fire my HK P9S 45(though I doubt mere bullets would have had much effect) I was forced to engage the monster with nothing but a shovel. I will spare you the gory details but after what seemed like hours of bloody combat, I managed to cleave the demon in twain. Much to my surprise, I then found myself under attack from both peices! In the end all the twain cleaving and whatnot proved to be fatal and the mutated spawn of satan finally went tits up for good. I buried each piece in a separate, deep hole in order foil any hellish reattachment plans.
I have been misquoted, by those wishing to discredit me, as saying that the beast "breathed fire and shot deadly poison from it's eyes". Hogwash! It shot deadly poison from it's ANTENNAE and DEATH RAYS from it's eyes. And breathing fire? Really? That's just ridiculous.
The smaller photograph, taken by a CIA sattelite, is of one of these things killing a full grown Nile crocodile. Oh sure it's been photoshopped to look like a much smaller version, killing a Western Whiptail Lizard but they're not fooling anybody. For God's sake, call your Congressman and demand that the government do something about GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDES!
12 comments:
Whew! Thank god that thing didn't have a bullshit detector or you would be a dead man.
You'll be sorry that you doubted me after I win an Oscar AND a Nobel Peace Prize for my new movie, "An Inconvenient GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDE!".
It is obvious our government should step in NOW to save us!
It has been several years since I have heard the "giant centipede" story. I was hoping that maybe you had forgotten. However, I see that you have not, and I also see that he is still growing. Im pretty sure the last time I heard this story he was only about a foot long. That was several years ago, and in this version he was towering over you. I guess that means he is growing at a rate of about 1 foot each year.
Good post.
James
Thanks James. It's good to know that somebody out there appreciates the catastrophic danger of GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDES!
Amen Vicar. Maybe should get some Congressional hearings or some U.N. protocols or some Hollywood activists or something. I was thinking Jesse Jackson might help but since GIANT FREAKING CENTIPEDES are never white, we probably couldn't get him to care.
As for you, Middle Daughter, I deliberately witheld the creature's true proportions in order to spare you and your siblings the emotional devastation that this kind of incident can cause. There is no need to thank me, it's all part of my job as the world's foremost slayer of GIANT FREAKING CENIPEDES!
Because of the number of typos in the above comment, I the Archduke vow to, henceforth, stop getting this drunk before noon.
Middle daughter you are lucky. I had to sit through this story on the fourth of July along with my husband, the youngest son's girlfriend, her friend, the youngest daughter. You are correct about the fact that the creature continues to grow in size.
Hmmm... Getting drunk before noon. I have heard that getting drunk and then working out in the south texas heat can cause hallucinations. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Ungrateful she-brats!
Well one of Mr. Middledaughter's friends wanted to thank you because he had never actually seen one of these giant creatures until you posted this blog. He was pretty amazed.
Armyman603 (my hubby) just saw the pic of these killer beasts. He gives Archduke credit saying it is a horrid looking thing. Like something from hell.
Post a Comment