Meet Eunice Carter

Author's note: This post is much longer than I intended. Good luck.

Sometimes Republicans can't keep up with all the evil that needs doing. With so many kittens to torture, children to starve, and homosexuals to euthanize, they are often forced to temporarily abandon their well intentioned schemes of misery. In fact, as ludicrous as it sounds, Republicans occasionally get spread so thin committing acts of unspeakable cruelty that truly important heinous deeds, like the proper abuse of black folks, must be postponed indefinitely. Over the years the frustration caused by this inability to mete out wickedness on all fronts at once has resulted in Republicans temporarily losing their immoral bearings.

The best known example of the Grand Old Party losing its way occurred during the War Between the States. Almost exactly 100 years before Al Gore's father voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964, Republican President Abraham Lincoln was engaged in an heroic battle to hold the Union together so future Republicans would have access to more people to oppress and more land to rape, pillage, and pollute. It was during this distraction that Lincoln made the grievous error of freeing the slaves. Even men possessed of an obscene capacity for viciousness can only do so much. Unfortunately, once the slaves were freed, black people were able to insinuate themselves into American society in such a way that they were able to take advantage whenever Republicans faltered. That brings us to Eunice Carter.

Little Eunice was born in Atlanta, Georgia in 1899. When she grew big and strong she moved to New York City to attend university and law school, and after passing the bar exam in 1934 she went into private practice. This is where it starts getting ugly.

By the mid 1930's the Italian Mafia ruled much of New York City, including many of its leaders in politics and law enforcement. Organized prostitution rings, bootlegging, and numbers rackets (whatever that is) were the order of the day. The Mob was rolling and one man was pissed.

New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia, Republican, took office on New Year's Day 1934 and he hit the ground gunning for gangsters. Now, before you get to thinking that this was a case of a Republican being motivated to do good, you should know that LaGuardia was only 5 ft 2 inches tall. So, in addition to being a Republican, he also suffered the dreaded small man syndrome. His meanness knew no bounds, as long as he had something to stand on. I digress. Anyway, it was while distracted with showing the mafia just who was boss that LaGuardia let his guard :) down and appointed Eunice Carter to a position of some minor import. She then became assistant DA to special prosecutor Thomas Dewey, Republican. While serving under Dewey, Republican, Carter played a prominent role in bringing down the top mafia boss of the day, Lucky Luciano. Thomas Dewey, Republican, was so appreciative of her efforts in this case that after he was elected New York District Attorney he appointed Eunice to head the D.A.'s Special Sessions Bureau. Now that's one confused Republican.

I am officially tired of writing so let me try to sum up. Republicans are bigots, racists, and homophobes who desire nothing more than causing pain and suffering and, of course, stopping the Democrats from doing the Lord's work. However, there are just so many mean Republicans to go around so they are often forced to choose between evil doings. From time to time this inability to do it all allows many of those who would be natural targets of Republican villainy to slip through the cracks. Even worse, it is not uncommon for a Republican to get so focused on the depravity at hand that those they wish most to harm actually benefit from their actions.