Sunday, December 31, 2006

Hell and Movies

At times like this it is fun to pretend that I believe in hell. I like to envision old Sodom Hussein arriving with his head flopping around, and being escorted immediately to the "HOT POKER WHERE THE SUN DON"T SHINE" suite, where he, Nicolai Ceausescu, and Papa Doc Duvalier, will scream out their eternal agony in three part harmony.

Lest our readers be misled by the movie choices of the, well meaning yet none too bright king, I submit the REAL 10 best films. ( I reserve all the same rights as the king)

1. Slingblade
2. The Godfather 1&2
3. Unforgiven
4. Raising Arizona
5. The Searchers
6. Monte Walsh
7. Blackhawk Down
8. The Pledge
9. Me, Myself, and Irene
10. Robroy

The king is correct about one thing, picking 10 is difficult and not for the faint hearted. That being said I think we will all understand when the fragile vicar doesn't even try.

Absolutely Rightly Yours,


Friday, December 29, 2006

Sweet Clean Death

Saddam is dead, long live Saddam. Soon we will see his face no more, forever. He would never admit it, but I bet Mr. Hussein would like a do-over on the whole Kuwait invasion thing that started it all back in 1990. He's had the last three years to think, "Man, if I had just stayed home and stuck to killing and torturing my own people none of this would be happening. I could still be with Uday and Qusay, pushing folks off tall buildings, or stuffing them feet first into a wood chipper. Oh Allah, how I long for the good old days."
Here's a little lyrical treat for one and all. The words are from an old Oak Ridge Boys song called "Thank God for Kids". In spite of the title, belief in God is not required to embrace the message, just human decency.

If it weren't for kids have you ever thought
There wouldn't be no Santa Claus
Or look what the stork just brought
Thank God for kids.

And we'd all live in a quiet house
With-out Big Bird or Mickey Mouse
And Kool Aid on the couch
Thank God for kids.

Thank God for kids, there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to think or wonder why
The nearest thing to heaven is a child.

When you get down on your knees tonight
To thank the Lord for His guiding light
And pray they turn out right
Thank God for kids.

Daddy, how does this thing fly?
And a hundred other where's and why's
You really don't know but you try
Thank God for kids.

When you look down in those trusting eyes
That look to you, you realize
There's a love that you can't buy
Thank God for kids...


My top 10 movies. Today. I reserve the right to revise this list at any time. Made for TV movies and mini-series not included. In no particular order:

1. Raising Arizona
2. It's a Wonderful Life
3. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
4. Godfather 1 & 2 - I consider this 1 movie
5. Schindler's List
6. Vacation
7. Raiders of the Lost Ark
8. Ben Hur
9. Remains of the Day
10. Once Upon a Time in the West - gotta have a western

Picking 10 ain't as easy as it looks. Leave it to the men.

You're Welcome,


Friday, December 22, 2006


Tonight I watched part of a Barbara Walters special about Heaven. As you can guess, the show was nothing but a parade of theologians speculating about whether heaven exists, what it's like, and how one gets there. (The only thing they all agreed on is that, once there, I will get dibs on the nicest apartment.) The various blow-hards spewed so much conjectural chin music that I thought I was watching a football pre-game show. Except in this case, when the game starts, you're dead.


I decree; Rudy is the best sports movie ever.


Thursday, December 14, 2006


This is a little test that I came up with to try to showcase just one area where things are a wee bit out of round. Read the column of names on the left and ask yourself three questions- Do I recognize the name? Can I put a face to it? Do I have some idea what this person did to get famous? 12 names x 3 questions = a perfect score of 36. Then do the same thing for the column on the right. If my guess is correct, a LARGE majority of people will score between 32 and 36 on the lefthand column and a LARGE majority will score between 0 and 3 on the righthand column.

Britney Spears.......... Paul R. Smith
Justin Timberlake.... Jason Dunham
Snoop Dog.................. Randy Shugart
Lindsay Lohan.......... Gary Gordon
Paris Hilton............... Robert L. Howard
Dennis Rodman........ Fred W. Zabitosky
Andy Dick................. Jimmie E. Howard
Paulie Shore.............. Thomas R. Norris
Kanye West............... William F. Dean
Naomi Campbell........ James E. Johnson
Kate Moss.................. Hector A. Cafferata
Diddy.......................... Joseph Vittori

Since everyone knows what type of people populate the lefthand list (talentless, irrelevant, attention whores), I'll go straight to enlightening you as to the people on the right side. The 12 men on the right were selected from the 370 or so American servicemen who recieved the Medal of Honor in the last 56 years. You will have to trust me when I say that I did not try to pick the most obscure examples. Some of these men are the most famous, whose stories are most often told. You wouldn't have known the other 358 either. I dare say that not 1/10th of 1% of people in the USA could name one man of the 370, with the percentage of high school students being even smaller. To me, that is a shame. The media ignores our real heroes in order to focus on silliness and scandal, while highschool and college textbooks avoid these men and their exploits like the plague. I don't get it.

Outragedly yours,
The Arch BY GOD Duke

P. S. If you care to read a little about these men just type in their names. I suggest you pay special attention to numbers 5,7,8,12,11,1 in that order. One interesting note is that number 5 is said to be more highly decorated than Audie Murphy.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Where are we?

Did the season of Noel cause our brains to cease functioning? Did the fermented yeast and barley or hops cause us not to care? Are our testerone levels dipping to the point of feminine inactivity? OR are you guys just waiting for me to tell you what to write about? If none of these things are so then get off your lazy Hineys, heinies? Hmm not sure how to spell it but really I should say get ON your lazy But muscular and hairy yet with a sexy tinge of fat glute holders and go to opining about things only YOU can opine about. I am working on one but since I am obviously the Michelangelo of the "triad of trite" it takes me more time to foment a witty yet relevant rant.

Christy merrmas

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

I am SOOO gonna send you to hell! HEE HAW!

My previous rant pointed out a few obvious fallacies in the haysusian dogma and the idea of an all powerful Wise old man in the sky. Well in my very humble opinion. Then my arrogant and oh so self important friend THE ARCHDUKE. Pointed out the obviousness of a relative harmless haysusian dogma compared to the relatively harmful religion of Alalalah. Or better known as the religion of pieces. TOUCHE' EL DOOKIE! So let me do a simple comparison of the two loving and caring organizations that so truly care about our souls.


1. Wish us to believe so we won't go to hell.

2. Actively recruit sans coercion.

3. Pray for the nonbeliever.

4. Protest against offense.

5. Turn the other cheek.

6. Try to be nice.


1. You have to believe or send you to hell.

2. Force belief or send you to hell.

3. Send non believers to hell.

4. Send offenders to hell.

5. Send offenders to hell.

6. Send people to hell

As you can see the Haysus crowd have it all wrong. When questioned, lampooned , or looked at the wrong way sending people to hell is so much easier. Think of the savings on Mission work! Bombs are way cheaper! And think about it, you kill those sorry infidels then 72 count em 72 girls from virginia! I do have a question about that though. If I die and have 72 girls who haven't had sex I want to know, what are their ages? Do we get to have sex in heaven? When we do , do we get a new virgun or have to recycle the used ones? Cause the way I see it after 72 sex romps then you're stuck with non - verjeens, that's like 72 wives, isn't this then hell?
I hate to be crude here, but I can live with haysusianity, BUT it is really hard to live with those that wanna blow me up just to have a little fun in heaven with young girls. I mean we are supposed to respect a group of people who treat their women about like slaves were treated in this country 150 years ago? I am not sure about this but many of these Mooslem women are worse off than the slaves. Haven't we as a people not learned anything from Nazi Germany? Didn't the world appease and treat Adolph "the hit man" Hitler with kid gloves, when all he wanted was to destroy all that he felt were his enemies? Well I think we quit coddling these populaters of hell and put our foot down now. If this is truly the them or us world that the religion of unibombers believes it is, then all I can say is SCREW THEM.
But hey that is just my very humble opinion.
The Vic

This may hurt

Season's Greetings!

From everyone at Selfish Manor, peace on earth, goodwill towards me.

It's the most wonderful time of the year and I was dreaming of a white Christmas, but with the never-ending illegal Mexican influx I'm afraid that instead of having a feliz navidad I'm going to be away in my anger. Oh come all ye faithful, it's not that I want to have a blue Christmas, but it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas is just a sleigh ride away from slipping off into the silent night. Do you hear what I hear? That's the little nouns of Beth and Sam being gradually replaced by Maria and Pedro. Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

On a lighter note, this is the first noel in quite some time that my Queen has baked a REAL gingerbread house. Nice, huh? She said making it was a snap.

Apologetically Yours,

King Selfish

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

religious fanatic prioritization

Here of late I'm having a hard time mustering much outrage at the relatively harmless, if somewhat annoying, evangelical Christians. At least in modern times, all of the religious fanatics in all faiths, pale in comparison to the murderous muslim. As long as they continue to be a threat to decent people I don't really see myself having any anger or outrage leftover to trickle down to religonuts of any other faith. The Christian's habit of worrying people into joining up seems benign when compared islamist's habit of murdering people whether they join or not. I am not a Christian (I am not an atheist either) But Christianity IS the religion of my people and many of my fond memories include references to it. For instance every high school football game that I participated in was started with a prayer, thousands of grade school mornings started off by proudly standing, hand over heart, reciting the pledge of allegiance, and last but not least 45 Christmas's.
The soul savers get on my nerves too and I don't buy the fairy tale that they are selling but until the violent muslims have all been sent to the LAND OF 72 VIRGINS, I'll be reserving my anger and outrage for them.

Forcefully yours,


Saturday, December 2, 2006

You are SO going to hell! HA HA!

Death, destruction, disembowelment, and all other kind of bad words that don't just start with the letter "d". That is the popular view of many or even most haysusians. Many of these pious and deeply religious followers of the Wise old man in the sky (womits) believe this is gonna befall those who choose to not follow his order to believe,accept, act,get dunked (pick your order). It is funny to me that the members of the church(es) of the most loving being that could ever be (womits), secretly and some outwardly, derive great joy in the future horrors that befall those that CHOOSE to not follow the HOLY BOUND PAPER BUNDLE WITH LOTS OF IMPORTANT AND INTERPRETED WORDS. These true lovers of men look forward to the gruesome reckoning promised by the aforementioned most holy paper bundle. They want those that don't CHOOSE to believe like they do to suffer not only a horrible and gruesome death, but for it basically to keep happening for eternity and ever and ever. SO that gives me an image of Haysus sitting behind a cloud somewhere gleefully rubbing his hands together with a knowing smirk, since it is HE that gets to fire the starters pistol for the holy and totally loving massacre to never end all massacres. Truly the mother of ALL massacres. Even bigger than little BIG horn. THANK you HAYSOOS for loving me. oh BUT YOU WERE WARNED!
Well I was thinking about that. When I was 12 I attended a certain church and got to be part of some early indoctrination, arm twisting, and threats that were done only like the lovers of humanity can do. We got to see films of people who died BEFORE their big commitment. The first one was the guys and gals getting eaten by maggots and worms FOREVER. But the good one was about a young motorcyclist who was at church one happy warm loving Sunday when he was asked to make that VERY important commitment. Well he thought and stressed and twisted and wrung his hands and couldn't quite pull the holy trigger. He thought he'd go home and think about it. So on his way home he lovingly wrecked the chopper and was Decapitated by the loving hand of he who controls all. Well guess what? WORMS FOREVER HAHA! Your 19 year old butt should've made that decision earlier! Don't think about it, decide now! You could DIE any second! Well then I thought about the Womits and his powers. He knows all - ALL. In fact he transcends time. He is the beginning and the end. Not WAS the beginning but IS the beginning. SO it seems that Womits exists at all times during all time. Everything is the present. Plus he knows all concurrent thoughts and or conditions of everyone and everything such as bugs and trees and germs. So of course he knew the ultimate answer the headless hogman was gonna decide, so maybe that's why he killed him then since he was in hell at the same time anyways to become perpetual worm food. But then I thought if he exists in all times then how can we personally make him mad if he is a one mind being ( not counting the other 2 of the trio)
He is feeling everything from everything on earth and even other planets with life if that exists so you could say Womits has a lot on his emotional plate. So I was wondering if he had a higher happy level or sad level? But I bet the eternity with his followers in happy sky land probably tipped the balance to the green arrow side, which doesn't move since it can't since everything to the big guy is happening at once. Maybe he doesn't really have anger or glee I figure he has some other emotion that we ;Meaning me, can't fathom. Something that's got all the feelings at once like all the ingredients of a good spaghetti sauce except he is aware of EVERY taste , the good and the bad , but we just can't fathom it, that being said I don't think we can describe anything he thinks with human emotion he is way to complex. He is what he is ( kind of like a super Popeye.)
So I am glad in his unimaginable wisdom he has made it so easy to find the right path to glory and righteousness. You know so few choices on which of his true churches to follow, well okay that was a bit sarcastic and I KNOW you are shocked so I beg forgiveness. I compare the path to happy sky land to walking through a mine field, except you can see the mines and if you step on the right one ( maybe more than one) instead of worms and eternal testicle gnawing, you get fun fun fun with a non returnable T bird for eternity! So enjoy the Holy minefield or "Ulitma lotto" or "Goddo" if you please, be careful, pick right, and bask in all the love and wisdom while Demons play with my worm eaten and pain ridden body forever and ever and ever ay men.
Just a thought
The Vic

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It's hard

Ok I figured out how to sign in under the Vicar name. I know I know, it is hard to be stupid but pretty.

The Vic

I say it is a myth

No, not the faux disease that the king and I have. "Continuous Partial Attention" Like thats a real disease though I am sure I may have it, I have all the sympt um what was I talking about? Oh the myth. I have noticed that many black leaders when quizzed on examples of "black racism" all deny that blacks can be racist. I think malcolm x started this silliness. What a great belief to adopt! Carte Blanche to do what you want in the NEVER ENDING fight against institutionalized racism. Oh and if you question it you are a RACIST , excuse me while I barf, ok I am back. ANYONE can be racist. ANYONE. It doesn't matter how much power ones overall ethnicity has. Heck, I am a member of the powerful male caucasoid gender and race and don't get to reap the benefits of it.
In fact due to my strange and just ever so slightly abrasive personality and my lower socio economic upbringing I have been treated less than someone in my "should be rightful" and "can be the only racist in the world", ethnic group. I have been robbed! I want my power and money and a real say in society damnit and I want it now. Oh ok I will accept any excuse that I can use to absolve me, my kin, and anyone else of my evil race who don't get to the wield the gavel of power. Problem is, racism has already been taken. SO I am open for suggestions. I need a good fall back alibi, hell I just need someone to blame GIVE ME SOMEONE TO BLAME. It isn't important for it to be true it just has to sound good, make me feel good, and be shoutable so incessantly that it becomes part of our national vernacular.
Oh and yes I will always be happy to pick the topics of our ramblings. Oh and I think we need something like a "man law" for example "Royal creeds" or somesuch. My first suggestion is "never explain a post to one's peers." His 2 peers that is "unless asked" assume all of my points even my excessive rambling points, with extremely poor punctuation, are understood by my fellow self important and my near intellectual equals and the same courtesy should be shared among the three. And yes I know I am the best looking and that automatically causes people to assume I am the stupid one, but just for funsies pretend I am not.

Oh the myth? blacks CAN be racist. End of myth.

The Vic

Saturday, November 25, 2006


I completely forgot that the Vicar of Vanity's other official title is Sultan of subjects: dictator of all wothy topics. Thank God I wasn't in your presence when this offense was committed or I would have had to suffer through the usual flurry of flying hair care products and other assorted toiletries that always accompanies one of your hissy fits. If it behooves the Holy Vicar perhaps you could provide me with a list of suitable topics AND time limits for each so that I won't bore you again.


P.S. My last post was not about geographic wittery it was racist wittery.DUH.

If you say so

Ok Vic, you win. I'll stop with landmark lunacy if the Archdud will. Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire, but I'm a big man, of sorts, so I will do all within my power to rise above the place-name pettiness. Now, if you can get the A.D. to stop, well, let's just say that would be a real VICtory.

Guess what losers... I'm writing this post on my new laptop computer. After trying about five stores I finally got Fry's Electronics to allow me to exchange the ipod that I won. Got $270 for it, found a like new refurbished laptop for 570, and now I'm wireless and remote for only $300. No wonder everybody wants to be me.

The King of Kings

Going forward

I, the vic, suggest we move past all the geographic wittery. The archduke's and the king's mirthful posts brought chuckles to myself and would surely do the same for anyone who perused them. In fact I can picture in my very keen mind's eye a couple of smirking royal posters as they typed with great flourish proving their abilities to turn a phrase. Being oh so proud of their humor and wit as they delved deeply into their lexicon of suitable and very apt terms. But I say let is go forward, leaving the subject that brought on so much self love. In other words, I suggest that my dear colleagues abandon their drive down their own personal hershey highway and move forward to bigger and better things. Well better things at least.

The Vic

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Emotional Geography Part Deux

Archie, you are one angry traveler. Compared to you the miffed Vic just took a stroll through Peaceful Prairie. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that you were the seething redneck I ran into over on Pernicious Pass back in the spring of '02. Matter of fact I'm sure of it, because I distinctly remember my wife looking over at me and saying, "hey, that's the big, fat, bigot we saw beating that little, old, African-American lady when we were driving past Hostility Hill."

Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Later that year, down in Canyon de Carnage, a hiker stumbled upon what turned out to be the rotting corpse of some illegal Mexican hombre. According to the paper he had fallen to his death after "slipping" off Rancorous Ridge, but now I'm not so sure I buy that story. I mean, doesn't it seem a little odd that not two days after this grisly discovery, twenty-seven of his cousins were found bludgeoned to death just around the bend from Malicious Meadow? I'm not necessarily trying to make a connection here, just asking.

And don't get me wrong. I fully understand that proximity to a murder does not a murderer make. Around that same time I was taking part in an anti-Islam rally out in the Bitter Badlands, when I was hauled in for questioning about the disappearance of a couple of local Imams. The D.A. was under a lot of pressure to solve the case, so I was more than a little worried. Fortunately for me, however, a game warden over near Nefarious Knob was able to vouch for my whereabouts, and my well earned good name was spared.

One final thought. I suspect that my co-opting of your emotional geography theme will make you want to cruise right down the Hateful Highway and kick my ass. But before you do something rash, remember this, ...ah, shoot! I can't think of anything. Go eat poop.


I feel your pain Vicar, unfotunately my travels have taken me far past where you are now. The whole political correctness thing has sent me past miffed mountain and over to the Fuming Foothills. The lack of action on the illegal immigrant front has even spurred me to the very apex of Pissed Off Peak. The screeching of irrational leftist who attack my country and defend the criminally insane adherents to the religion of peace has sent me rafting on Rage River perilously close to the Valley of Violence which as you well know is just a hop, skip, and a jump from Murder Mesa. The whole Kramer thing, however, sent me in a totally different direction. His public screaming of the words- He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! Look there's a nigger! Directed me all the way through the Funny Forest and into Hillarious Hollow. But enough of that, it's Thanksgiving and my only travel plan for today is a trip to Bloated Bayou. I'm sure that in the next few days I'll spend some quality time in Leftover Land. Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


I , the Vicar of Vanity, who shall henceforth be known as the Vicar of Vanity, am miffed. Miffed to the highest order of miffdom. So miffed I think I will make a sign shouting to the world how truly at the top of miff mountain I have climbed. How dare the cream of the crop of society stalwart souls such as Michael Richards or Mel Gibson say things that would miff those poor abused sub groups of society. And to use the N word and gasp the J word, how dare they dare to do that! I the Vic must recommend firing squads for such egregious behavior. Then afterwards think of the great movies that could be made, starring elite non miffers such as cLooney or any Baldwin to great acclaim!

Ok the real miffiness comes from these stories not being more than by lines running across the bottom of the tv once every 2 weeks. Am I, the Vic, the only person who really doesn't care about these pseudo news stories? Now if you want to see me riding the crest of a tsunamiff then let some poor abused sub groupie use the C word. And man oh man will this make me soooo miffled. Wait are you saying that calling me a cracker is ok? Well then I am DEFINITELY making a sign now and my saltine self will protest till I get satisfaction or get hungry, whichever comes first.

The King is I

Tread lightly, gentle reader. You have entered the realm of King Selfish. Care must be taken or you will find yourself edified by the thoughtful and penetrating commentary found herein. But think me not without good intentions. As the most kindhearted of despots I deign to treat every issue under the sun, except poetry, in such a way as to benefit all mankind.

Inasmuch as I dwell in the lofty halls of distinguished thinkers, one may expect that I will not tackle the mundane and less challenging aspects of the human struggle. Not so. I consider it all joy that my dutiful underlings, The Vicar of Vanity, and the Archduke of Arrogance, will join me in my quest to have the final say on all that matters in this life. While not blessed with Kingly insight, these loyal subordinates have a firm grasp on the lesser questions of the day, and will at times offer their views in an entertaining fashion. Be warned, however, that like spoiled children to a loving father, my subjects will occasionally lash out at me with words that attempt to hurt, vilify, or otherwise undermine my authority. Indulge them, for the lion is not bestirred by the mouse.

King Selfish the Good

Monday, November 20, 2006

Cast off your fear,THE ARCHDUKE IS HERE!

Many thanks to the king for handling the menial, tedious, drudgery that was necessary in order to provide me, THE ARCHDUKE, with a venue to share my wisdom and strength with the masses. Be not afraid, cowering king, all that you and the preening vicar need to do now is fall in behind me, THE ARCHDUKE, for I will carry this project on my broad, tanned,muscular, manly, chiseled, not overly hairy, and only slightly acne scarred shoulders as effortlessly as a fat woman totes a bag of porkrinds.

I was wrong

Really, I was. Not sure when, but I am sure I was. I do make mistakes and occasionally can admit it. I know what you're thinking, "but you, you are the Vicar of Vanity?!!" "SURELY you can never be erroneous, but if you admit it isn't that contradictory?!!" Actually, my greatness allows me to admit when I make that rare mistake. When I can humbly prostrate myself ( clothed) asking forgiveness then it only glorifies who I am that much more. Not unlike Hayzoos just without the hair and beard and millions of adoring followers. Now why in the world would I make such a statement in my very first blog ever? Well, as will be seen later, my dear dear portly co- bloggers, and in spite of their vastly huge intellects, may on rare occasions, mis-write or mis-speak but may not be able to Hayzoos themselves like the humble yet awesome me. Oh and you're welcome and please don't call me Shirley.

The Vic