Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It's hard

Ok I figured out how to sign in under the Vicar name. I know I know, it is hard to be stupid but pretty.

The Vic

I say it is a myth

No, not the faux disease that the king and I have. "Continuous Partial Attention" Like thats a real disease though I am sure I may have it, I have all the sympt um what was I talking about? Oh the myth. I have noticed that many black leaders when quizzed on examples of "black racism" all deny that blacks can be racist. I think malcolm x started this silliness. What a great belief to adopt! Carte Blanche to do what you want in the NEVER ENDING fight against institutionalized racism. Oh and if you question it you are a RACIST , excuse me while I barf, ok I am back. ANYONE can be racist. ANYONE. It doesn't matter how much power ones overall ethnicity has. Heck, I am a member of the powerful male caucasoid gender and race and don't get to reap the benefits of it.
In fact due to my strange and just ever so slightly abrasive personality and my lower socio economic upbringing I have been treated less than someone in my "should be rightful" and "can be the only racist in the world", ethnic group. I have been robbed! I want my power and money and a real say in society damnit and I want it now. Oh ok I will accept any excuse that I can use to absolve me, my kin, and anyone else of my evil race who don't get to the wield the gavel of power. Problem is, racism has already been taken. SO I am open for suggestions. I need a good fall back alibi, hell I just need someone to blame GIVE ME SOMEONE TO BLAME. It isn't important for it to be true it just has to sound good, make me feel good, and be shoutable so incessantly that it becomes part of our national vernacular.
Oh and yes I will always be happy to pick the topics of our ramblings. Oh and I think we need something like a "man law" for example "Royal creeds" or somesuch. My first suggestion is "never explain a post to one's peers." His 2 peers that is "unless asked" assume all of my points even my excessive rambling points, with extremely poor punctuation, are understood by my fellow self important and my near intellectual equals and the same courtesy should be shared among the three. And yes I know I am the best looking and that automatically causes people to assume I am the stupid one, but just for funsies pretend I am not.

Oh the myth? blacks CAN be racist. End of myth.

The Vic

Saturday, November 25, 2006


I completely forgot that the Vicar of Vanity's other official title is Sultan of subjects: dictator of all wothy topics. Thank God I wasn't in your presence when this offense was committed or I would have had to suffer through the usual flurry of flying hair care products and other assorted toiletries that always accompanies one of your hissy fits. If it behooves the Holy Vicar perhaps you could provide me with a list of suitable topics AND time limits for each so that I won't bore you again.


P.S. My last post was not about geographic wittery it was racist wittery.DUH.

If you say so

Ok Vic, you win. I'll stop with landmark lunacy if the Archdud will. Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire, but I'm a big man, of sorts, so I will do all within my power to rise above the place-name pettiness. Now, if you can get the A.D. to stop, well, let's just say that would be a real VICtory.

Guess what losers... I'm writing this post on my new laptop computer. After trying about five stores I finally got Fry's Electronics to allow me to exchange the ipod that I won. Got $270 for it, found a like new refurbished laptop for 570, and now I'm wireless and remote for only $300. No wonder everybody wants to be me.

The King of Kings

Going forward

I, the vic, suggest we move past all the geographic wittery. The archduke's and the king's mirthful posts brought chuckles to myself and would surely do the same for anyone who perused them. In fact I can picture in my very keen mind's eye a couple of smirking royal posters as they typed with great flourish proving their abilities to turn a phrase. Being oh so proud of their humor and wit as they delved deeply into their lexicon of suitable and very apt terms. But I say let is go forward, leaving the subject that brought on so much self love. In other words, I suggest that my dear colleagues abandon their drive down their own personal hershey highway and move forward to bigger and better things. Well better things at least.

The Vic

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Emotional Geography Part Deux

Archie, you are one angry traveler. Compared to you the miffed Vic just took a stroll through Peaceful Prairie. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that you were the seething redneck I ran into over on Pernicious Pass back in the spring of '02. Matter of fact I'm sure of it, because I distinctly remember my wife looking over at me and saying, "hey, that's the big, fat, bigot we saw beating that little, old, African-American lady when we were driving past Hostility Hill."

Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Later that year, down in Canyon de Carnage, a hiker stumbled upon what turned out to be the rotting corpse of some illegal Mexican hombre. According to the paper he had fallen to his death after "slipping" off Rancorous Ridge, but now I'm not so sure I buy that story. I mean, doesn't it seem a little odd that not two days after this grisly discovery, twenty-seven of his cousins were found bludgeoned to death just around the bend from Malicious Meadow? I'm not necessarily trying to make a connection here, just asking.

And don't get me wrong. I fully understand that proximity to a murder does not a murderer make. Around that same time I was taking part in an anti-Islam rally out in the Bitter Badlands, when I was hauled in for questioning about the disappearance of a couple of local Imams. The D.A. was under a lot of pressure to solve the case, so I was more than a little worried. Fortunately for me, however, a game warden over near Nefarious Knob was able to vouch for my whereabouts, and my well earned good name was spared.

One final thought. I suspect that my co-opting of your emotional geography theme will make you want to cruise right down the Hateful Highway and kick my ass. But before you do something rash, remember this, ...ah, shoot! I can't think of anything. Go eat poop.


I feel your pain Vicar, unfotunately my travels have taken me far past where you are now. The whole political correctness thing has sent me past miffed mountain and over to the Fuming Foothills. The lack of action on the illegal immigrant front has even spurred me to the very apex of Pissed Off Peak. The screeching of irrational leftist who attack my country and defend the criminally insane adherents to the religion of peace has sent me rafting on Rage River perilously close to the Valley of Violence which as you well know is just a hop, skip, and a jump from Murder Mesa. The whole Kramer thing, however, sent me in a totally different direction. His public screaming of the words- He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! Look there's a nigger! Directed me all the way through the Funny Forest and into Hillarious Hollow. But enough of that, it's Thanksgiving and my only travel plan for today is a trip to Bloated Bayou. I'm sure that in the next few days I'll spend some quality time in Leftover Land. Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


I , the Vicar of Vanity, who shall henceforth be known as the Vicar of Vanity, am miffed. Miffed to the highest order of miffdom. So miffed I think I will make a sign shouting to the world how truly at the top of miff mountain I have climbed. How dare the cream of the crop of society stalwart souls such as Michael Richards or Mel Gibson say things that would miff those poor abused sub groups of society. And to use the N word and gasp the J word, how dare they dare to do that! I the Vic must recommend firing squads for such egregious behavior. Then afterwards think of the great movies that could be made, starring elite non miffers such as cLooney or any Baldwin to great acclaim!

Ok the real miffiness comes from these stories not being more than by lines running across the bottom of the tv once every 2 weeks. Am I, the Vic, the only person who really doesn't care about these pseudo news stories? Now if you want to see me riding the crest of a tsunamiff then let some poor abused sub groupie use the C word. And man oh man will this make me soooo miffled. Wait are you saying that calling me a cracker is ok? Well then I am DEFINITELY making a sign now and my saltine self will protest till I get satisfaction or get hungry, whichever comes first.

The King is I

Tread lightly, gentle reader. You have entered the realm of King Selfish. Care must be taken or you will find yourself edified by the thoughtful and penetrating commentary found herein. But think me not without good intentions. As the most kindhearted of despots I deign to treat every issue under the sun, except poetry, in such a way as to benefit all mankind.

Inasmuch as I dwell in the lofty halls of distinguished thinkers, one may expect that I will not tackle the mundane and less challenging aspects of the human struggle. Not so. I consider it all joy that my dutiful underlings, The Vicar of Vanity, and the Archduke of Arrogance, will join me in my quest to have the final say on all that matters in this life. While not blessed with Kingly insight, these loyal subordinates have a firm grasp on the lesser questions of the day, and will at times offer their views in an entertaining fashion. Be warned, however, that like spoiled children to a loving father, my subjects will occasionally lash out at me with words that attempt to hurt, vilify, or otherwise undermine my authority. Indulge them, for the lion is not bestirred by the mouse.

King Selfish the Good

Monday, November 20, 2006

Cast off your fear,THE ARCHDUKE IS HERE!

Many thanks to the king for handling the menial, tedious, drudgery that was necessary in order to provide me, THE ARCHDUKE, with a venue to share my wisdom and strength with the masses. Be not afraid, cowering king, all that you and the preening vicar need to do now is fall in behind me, THE ARCHDUKE, for I will carry this project on my broad, tanned,muscular, manly, chiseled, not overly hairy, and only slightly acne scarred shoulders as effortlessly as a fat woman totes a bag of porkrinds.

I was wrong

Really, I was. Not sure when, but I am sure I was. I do make mistakes and occasionally can admit it. I know what you're thinking, "but you, you are the Vicar of Vanity?!!" "SURELY you can never be erroneous, but if you admit it isn't that contradictory?!!" Actually, my greatness allows me to admit when I make that rare mistake. When I can humbly prostrate myself ( clothed) asking forgiveness then it only glorifies who I am that much more. Not unlike Hayzoos just without the hair and beard and millions of adoring followers. Now why in the world would I make such a statement in my very first blog ever? Well, as will be seen later, my dear dear portly co- bloggers, and in spite of their vastly huge intellects, may on rare occasions, mis-write or mis-speak but may not be able to Hayzoos themselves like the humble yet awesome me. Oh and you're welcome and please don't call me Shirley.

The Vic